Tramadol, Doctors, Still Job Searching and Smashing Pumpkins

Hi everyone, I'm gonna write a little update since it's now been a week since my last post. I went to the first visit with my new primary care doctor 2 days ago. Since I don't have income or health insurance, I had no choice but to go to an office that mostly sees welfare and low income patients. That's me! This doctor was a resident physician that is overseen by a more established doctor, who also popped in to introduce himself and ask a few questions, however I was very impressed with the primary care physician who seemed to sincerely care and also spent a great deal of time talking to me. It was sort of a relief after dealing with the slew of doctors in the hospital who could only muster about 1 minute of their time every time they came in to my room.

Because of being in the hospital for a week and from experiencing all kind of different pain relievers, and since I at least try to use my brain to think things through, I had a pretty good idea of what kind of pain reliever actually worked for the kind of pain that I have. This happens to be hydrocodone, but the doctor told me that it was a new law that they were not allowed to prescribe narcotics on the first visit and even though I told him that Hydrocodone worked quite well and the pain was a 7 on a scale of 10, I got a prescription for Tramadol. (BTW, don't you think that the auto speller here at Google would recognize pharmaceuticals...especially since the pharmaceutical companies have so much clout?) OK, anyway I've been taking the Tramadol for 2 days and they are doing very little for the pain and may be slightly more effective than acetaminophen or ibuprofen, but not by very much. They do however make me feel much less inhibited and a little high even...more so than the supposedly very addictive hydrocodone. So I guess that maybe the makers of Tramadol have worked out a little deal with the DEA...wink wink...to promote them and not label them as a narcotic or very addictive. But I can definitely see how these could be valuable on the street and I'm surprised that they give them out like candy... but then again, I'm actually not really all that surprised since they still consider marijuana a dangerous drug, yet it's just hunky dory to drink ourselves into oblivion instead! Sorry but I'm a little grouchy since this pain is still unbearable and now I have a bottle of pills that aren't helping, just so I won't become addicted to vicodin. Do they really care if I become addicted? That's a bunch of crap for sure.

Now on a more happy an upbeat tone. I've been happily listening to the new Smashing Pumpkins album, "Oceania" and I have been so pleasantly surprised by this wonderful work of art. After listening to their "Zeitgeist" album, I was so disappointed and was almost ready to write off Billy Corgan as perhaps another washed up musician and was gonna wait to see him showing up as a lounge act and also releasing even more greatest hits albums with new artwork and the same songs, just in a different order. But Oceania is such a wonderful gem of an album and I've been listening to it on Spotify non-stop...at least when I'm near the computer. Unfortunately I don't have $15 to purchase an album, but I will be checking with the library to get a copy of it. Although I would never dream of ripping the CD onto my computer! But would have it for 3 weeks to listen too all I want. :)

In the meantime, besides just trying to heal and recover from the surgery and dealing with the pain, I've been applying for jobs...probably a few dozen more since my last post talking about this. I'm going for another long walk around downtown and will take more side streets, stopping in to businesses asking if they are hiring. Something has to happen and maybe, just maybe some business will just happen to be looking for someone to sweep their floors or so some kind of crap that most people might not enjoy doing and I will just happen to walk in at the right moment and before they post the job opening. Maybe they will see my happy face and willingness to do just about any job and eagerness to learn anything new as well and I will get a job using this technique. I'm really trying to stay positive about all this and also trying my best to avoid resorting to just selling myself as a sex slave or a number of other shady and/or illegal activities just out of desperation. OK, I am kidding about the sex slave thing. It's not my thing, but I can see how some women do this. It's a rough and cruel world and I'm finding that getting a job does not always have to do with having the right skill set, experience and attitude,  but does instead seem to be more to do with "who you know". Since I've recently moved to Michigan and don't get out socializing much, I don't know anyone, so that I think is the main reason why this is so much of a damn struggle. Not to mention that Detroit is one of the worst job markets in the country too.

Hey if anyone reading this knows of any job opportunities, please let me know and consider at least talking to me about it. I am welcoming the chance for an interview and also open to all possibilities too!

I leave you with the song "Violet Rays" off the Smashing Pumpkins new album, Oceania. :)

Depression, Anger and the desire to Give Up... yet keep trying.

I've been massively depressed lately, although there are times when I probably don't seem all that depressed from my outward appearance to other people. This is because I've always been the type of person that has gone out of my way to seem happy, even if I wasn't. This personality disorder or difference or whatever you want to call it has been a blessing and a curse.

Lately, with these 2 stupid collapsed lungs, I've been more aware than ever that I and all humans are mortal. No matter how healthy we think we are, we are all susceptible to horrible health events and even death. The fact is, every one of you reading this blog right now will someday be dead, whether you like it or not. Life offers no guarantees or insurance. We are born into this twisted and demented planet, we live a relatively short life, then we die. I don't even believe that any human being has ever been able to really know what happens to us when we die. Some say we go to heaven or hell. Others say we reincarnate as another human, animal, plant, mineral or rock. And some people believe we just vanish like a vapor into the ether and that is all that is the end of our consciousness. I personally don't believe any of this. How can I? It's all speculation, therefore I believe that we don't know what happens to us, which is probably more accurate and scientific than any number of the array of religious beliefs and dogma.

So, here I am, just another person on this planet trying to figure it all out and get on with my life. I'm 41, have been a vegetarian for 15 years. I drink a lot of water everyday, which is usually about 10 to 15 glasses a day. I am very much the optimist-glass half full kind of person. I have no ill thoughts towards anyone, even those who may consider themselves to be my enemy, but here I am with 2 spontaneous pneumothraxes in the last 7 weeks and now my lungs ache and throb every minute of every day. I try to just walk for exercise and have to turn around and come back home due to my chest feeling tight and feeling anxious that I may just collapse right there on the sidewalk, unable to do one of the most basic human functions, which is just merely breathing. Yeah these recent realizations have definitely made me more cynical than I ever have been and have led me to feeling quite depressed too. Other things leading to my depression is the freaking lack of response from employers that I apply to. I don't know what it is. Am I coming across the wrong way to them? Is my resume all wrong? Do they not believe me when I say that I want to work for them? Is my 4 years of not really being officially employed scaring all of them? Is there any hope at all? I feel scared, helpless, anxious and am starting to feel quite angry. Angry at the world, at this economy. At the person who laid me off in 2008 during the housing bubble collapse? Angry that out of 5000 Facebook "friends" lately when posting things, maybe 2 of them will even reply or like or anything. Angry that people like Rand Paul have seemed to sell out by endorsing Romney, who is basically a white Obama, in my stupid fucking opinion. Angry at all the people who are lashing out at Rand Paul for doing this. Angry at myself, my thoughts, my carelessness, my innate trusting of most everyone. My lack of being too forward with looking for a job.

Maybe I just need to pretend like I'm just some asshole type of sales person and be really pushy with the employers I'm seeking employment at. Maybe I need to stop putting on this front that despite everything bad that is happening, that I'm really very happy. Maybe I need to frown more, instead of smiling most of the time. Maybe I need to just succumb to this lung problem and let myself move on to the "afterlife", whether this means reincarnation, or just turning into food for the grass and plants. I really don't know what to do anymore, but all this is really, really, REALLY getting me down.

Yet, my nature is to keep fighting and not just give up. Yet, this is all wearing me down really fast. I've never been so cynical in my life. For those of you who do think of me as your enemy and have "wished" for me to die, well I hope you believe in karma, because I have never wished that on you... and maybe your wish will come true, but then you just may have it come back to bite you.

I'm not God and I'm not perfect, but neither are any of you. I guess my main wish is that everyone would just at least make some effort not to be so judgmental... including myself.