One week out of hospital and feeling much better! :)

 For those who have been following my personal and health progress, here's a little update. I've been out of the hospital for 6 days and have made huge progress. For the first few days I spent most of my time sleeping. The first day I slept for 20 hours solid, then each day the sleep progressively tapered off to where now I'm sleeping a little more than my normal 8 hours, but it's averaging only about 11 hours now...with an occasional nap mixed in still. I've also been walking every day...or actually at night since it's cooler and I just enjoy being outside at night. Besides being cooler and yes it's bloody hot in Michigan in the Summer. Today was 97 degrees and it was 90 degrees inside, with no a/c... cause who needs a/c in Michigan? LOL.  The first few days I was walking for about 15 minutes each night but now the last few nights have been walking about an hour. I've really enjoyed these walks too. It's just me, my iPod and good tunes. In case you haven't gathered by now, music is more important to me than food... well usually and most of the time it is. If I had to choose between music and bean burritos or CHEESE, it's hard to say.

Boy I'm glad I'm only a vegetarian and not vegan cause I love cheese so much. I did try being a vegan for a few years and was actually probably healthier than ever during that time, but I craved cheese so much. Eventually, the cravings for cheese is what made me step down from the vegan platform and just be a normal everyday, lacto/ovo vegetarian. But it was so ironic during that period that I was vegan, cause I smoked cigarettes during that period. Yeah what an oxymoron and what a moron I can actually be at times. I'm like that Green Day song, Walking Contradiction... or should it be Beautiful Disaster by 311? LOL.
But hey, I was initially doing it for the animals and not so much for the health reasons. The health reasons eventually became part of it too, but the very reason I became a vegetarian back in 1997 was because of the realizations that the chicken sandwich I was eating, and the hamburgers that I used to enjoy were made from real live animals, who had feelings, emotions and actual thought processes, just like you, me and all other humans. It was the realization that we are animals too and I sure the hell wouldn't appreciate if someone rounded me up against my will, separating me from my family, through me in a cage, tortured me, then brutally killed me, just because they liked the way I taste. To me, this is just absolutely insane! However, I will not ever judge anyone who still eats meat, because I ate meat for 27 years and had virtually no guilt or total realization of what I was doing. It's easy to disassociate the meat we eat from the animals they really come from when we are programmed from birth to eat it and by the time the meat reaches our plate, all the symbols such as the head and other body parts are removed and it is nicely wrapped in a package to make it look like nice and innocent food. I also really don't have much of a problem with other people around me eating meat because since I'm human, I'm sure there still other are things that I do which some people may object too as well, for whatever reason. But just don't force me to eat your carcass and I won't force you to eat my bean curd, otherwise known as tofu. I often hear people say how gross tofu sees to them. Well, I don't really see what is so appealing about bloody animal carcass either.

And since I used to smoke cigarettes and not only smoke them, but hold the smoke in like it was a really wonderful tonic, combined with the asthma that I was born with, I had the collapsed lungs and I believe I paid the price for this, with the recent hospitalization, 4 chest tubes and the most recent and very painful surgery. I will never smoke another cigarette or anything else. It just isn't worth it. So because of these experiences, I'm more dedicated than ever to really being healthy, which is one reason why I've been walking. I would jog or run, but with my asthma, I've never been able to do that very well and I've learned to accept it. But walking is something that works really well for me, even after these Pneumothoraces, I'm able to walk, which makes me happy because I don't want to be a lazy couch potato. Life is too short and wonderful to resort to such tactics.

I also appreciate everyone who had left me nice, sincere comments and emails with best wishes and warm greetings too. Just for the record, I no longer smoke cigarettes or anything at all.

I've always liked this song a lot and of course this video just takes me back to the era when MTV played music, which was such a novel concept. Good thing we at least have YouTube so we can be our own music television. Maybe it's just evolution, but I still miss it. Here's Simple Minds "Alive and Kicking".

My experiences with the latest Pneumothorax, VATS and the healing process directly after surgery

Here's the update since having the surgery on Monday. They pulled the chest tube out today and what a relief this was! I don't know how much longer I would have been able to stand having this tube protruding from my side and being tethered to the Pleur-evac chest drainage system device. Not to mention the amount of constant pain that having this tube in has caused, at the incision site, deep in my chest and in my middle to upper back also. Every breath was painful. Just the act of repositioning my body a half inch on the bed was painful and basically everything else I did while it was in was equally as painful. So yes, I'm so happy it is finally out and not to mention that it actually stayed in during this whole process so that it could actually do it's job properly! Btw, at least I know I'm not just being a whiny-wimp by my reaction to the pain that I've experienced lately, cause my nurse did tell me that her chest tube patients seemed to have suffered the most pain of any of her patients, including those undergoing major surgeries.

Since this was my first real surgery I was feeling extra anxious about it, but as I got the first glimpse of my prep nurse as they were wheeling me into the surgery prep room, I started to feel some relief from the anxiety with the sight of her genuine, warm and caring smile. I felt that it was a blessing to have her as my prep nurse and that she definitely met her calling with this particular career path because she was as sweet and helpful as could be. So pretty much immediately they started giving me pain meds and anti-anxiety meds as well and her nurturing voice helped guide me through this process. Then they injected the general anesthesia, but I wasn't really aware exactly when they did this. All I remember is my prep nurse's smiling face, along with some other staff walking around, then waking up in a complete state of shock and  shivering probably worse than I ever have. Not sure, but it almost felt like a form of convulsions cause I do remember, not only a severe shaking, but flailing around on the operation bed and feeling extremely cold and confused, then my God....there was the PAIN. As I was just waking up and having these experiences, it seemed that everyone around me were also freaking out, and I kept asking if the surgery went OK and if I was OK, I was assured that everything was fine as they put warm blankets over me. I asked for more pain meds but they said they had already given me a tremendous cocktail of meds and they couldn't give more right then yet. So I sat there slowly waking up and warming up and finally quit shivering, but the pain was so intense in basically my entire upper body that I could not move or even budge at all. During the Video Assisted Thoracic Surgery, otherwise just called VATS, they didn't find any blebs or anything else suspicious, but they did perform a Pleurodesis, which is mechanically irritating the parietal pleura. In other words, they rough up the linings of my lungs and the lung cavity with a gauze, to make it bleed, which helps the lung stick to the cavity walls as it heals and scabs up.  By now it was late at night and obviously I was their last surgery for the day. Eventually they moved me back to my room, but I didn't have the nice "luxury" room where I had been in the ICU, but a regular private room on what they simply to referred to as "The Floor". 

Pleur-Evac lung fluid evacuation system and my chest tube

That was 3 days ago and like I said, they removed the chest tube today. Basically since they put it in during the surgery, I have not really been able to sleep. This was due to a combination of a lot of pain and the inconvenience of having the tube coming out of my side, plus the fact that just laying down or even inclining a certain amount was entirely too painful. So any sleep had to be done totally sitting up, which is even more difficult for me since I'm a stomach sleeper. LOL these conditions aren't at all conducive to really getting any decent sleep. So after they removed the tube early this afternoon, the first thing I did was just stretch out on the bed, laying down on my stomach and  going to sleep within seconds. I was able to sleep the entire afternoon without being bothered until the room service called to see if I wanted to order dinner. I hesitated since at that particular moment, food was the last thing I was concerned about, but I knew that once 6:30pm came, the room service would be closed and I wouldn't be able to eat anything until after 6:30 the next morning. Since I had been sleeping very well for the first time since before the surgery and was just jostled from a really interesting dream, I couldn't think very well, so I just asked them what they recommend. They told me today's special was butter/garlic angel hair pasta with chicken and green beans, coleslaw and melon/cantaloupe on the side. I said fine, just leave off the chicken since I'm vegetarian...then immediately went back to sleep, on my stomach.

As humans, we often take little things for granted like our health, being able to breathe well and without pain, being able to just freely get out of bed and walk around and sleeping in the position that we find most comfortable. These are things that I used to take for granted and even though I can't promise how I will feel and think in the future, I do know that now, I don't take these things for granted. I also appreciate life, health, tasty healthy food, good nurses and doctors and friends and loved ones so much more too.

Reference: 
Spontaneous Pneumothorax,
Pleurodesis,
Video Assisted Thoracic Surgery (VATS),
Pleur-Evac
Chest Tube,

flowers my friend picked from his yard

my little setup with everything at arms-reach

the food was exceptional & all produce was local and organic

closeup of my salad with computer in background

Depression, Anger and the desire to Give Up... yet keep trying.

I've been massively depressed lately, although there are times when I probably don't seem all that depressed from my outward appearance to other people. This is because I've always been the type of person that has gone out of my way to seem happy, even if I wasn't. This personality disorder or difference or whatever you want to call it has been a blessing and a curse.

Lately, with these 2 stupid collapsed lungs, I've been more aware than ever that I and all humans are mortal. No matter how healthy we think we are, we are all susceptible to horrible health events and even death. The fact is, every one of you reading this blog right now will someday be dead, whether you like it or not. Life offers no guarantees or insurance. We are born into this twisted and demented planet, we live a relatively short life, then we die. I don't even believe that any human being has ever been able to really know what happens to us when we die. Some say we go to heaven or hell. Others say we reincarnate as another human, animal, plant, mineral or rock. And some people believe we just vanish like a vapor into the ether and that is all that is the end of our consciousness. I personally don't believe any of this. How can I? It's all speculation, therefore I believe that we don't know what happens to us, which is probably more accurate and scientific than any number of the array of religious beliefs and dogma.

So, here I am, just another person on this planet trying to figure it all out and get on with my life. I'm 41, have been a vegetarian for 15 years. I drink a lot of water everyday, which is usually about 10 to 15 glasses a day. I am very much the optimist-glass half full kind of person. I have no ill thoughts towards anyone, even those who may consider themselves to be my enemy, but here I am with 2 spontaneous pneumothraxes in the last 7 weeks and now my lungs ache and throb every minute of every day. I try to just walk for exercise and have to turn around and come back home due to my chest feeling tight and feeling anxious that I may just collapse right there on the sidewalk, unable to do one of the most basic human functions, which is just merely breathing. Yeah these recent realizations have definitely made me more cynical than I ever have been and have led me to feeling quite depressed too. Other things leading to my depression is the freaking lack of response from employers that I apply to. I don't know what it is. Am I coming across the wrong way to them? Is my resume all wrong? Do they not believe me when I say that I want to work for them? Is my 4 years of not really being officially employed scaring all of them? Is there any hope at all? I feel scared, helpless, anxious and am starting to feel quite angry. Angry at the world, at this economy. At the person who laid me off in 2008 during the housing bubble collapse? Angry that out of 5000 Facebook "friends" lately when posting things, maybe 2 of them will even reply or like or anything. Angry that people like Rand Paul have seemed to sell out by endorsing Romney, who is basically a white Obama, in my stupid fucking opinion. Angry at all the people who are lashing out at Rand Paul for doing this. Angry at myself, my thoughts, my carelessness, my innate trusting of most everyone. My lack of being too forward with looking for a job.

Maybe I just need to pretend like I'm just some asshole type of sales person and be really pushy with the employers I'm seeking employment at. Maybe I need to stop putting on this front that despite everything bad that is happening, that I'm really very happy. Maybe I need to frown more, instead of smiling most of the time. Maybe I need to just succumb to this lung problem and let myself move on to the "afterlife", whether this means reincarnation, or just turning into food for the grass and plants. I really don't know what to do anymore, but all this is really, really, REALLY getting me down.

Yet, my nature is to keep fighting and not just give up. Yet, this is all wearing me down really fast. I've never been so cynical in my life. For those of you who do think of me as your enemy and have "wished" for me to die, well I hope you believe in karma, because I have never wished that on you... and maybe your wish will come true, but then you just may have it come back to bite you.

I'm not God and I'm not perfect, but neither are any of you. I guess my main wish is that everyone would just at least make some effort not to be so judgmental... including myself.