Tramadol, Doctors, Still Job Searching and Smashing Pumpkins

Hi everyone, I'm gonna write a little update since it's now been a week since my last post. I went to the first visit with my new primary care doctor 2 days ago. Since I don't have income or health insurance, I had no choice but to go to an office that mostly sees welfare and low income patients. That's me! This doctor was a resident physician that is overseen by a more established doctor, who also popped in to introduce himself and ask a few questions, however I was very impressed with the primary care physician who seemed to sincerely care and also spent a great deal of time talking to me. It was sort of a relief after dealing with the slew of doctors in the hospital who could only muster about 1 minute of their time every time they came in to my room.

Because of being in the hospital for a week and from experiencing all kind of different pain relievers, and since I at least try to use my brain to think things through, I had a pretty good idea of what kind of pain reliever actually worked for the kind of pain that I have. This happens to be hydrocodone, but the doctor told me that it was a new law that they were not allowed to prescribe narcotics on the first visit and even though I told him that Hydrocodone worked quite well and the pain was a 7 on a scale of 10, I got a prescription for Tramadol. (BTW, don't you think that the auto speller here at Google would recognize pharmaceuticals...especially since the pharmaceutical companies have so much clout?) OK, anyway I've been taking the Tramadol for 2 days and they are doing very little for the pain and may be slightly more effective than acetaminophen or ibuprofen, but not by very much. They do however make me feel much less inhibited and a little high even...more so than the supposedly very addictive hydrocodone. So I guess that maybe the makers of Tramadol have worked out a little deal with the DEA...wink wink...to promote them and not label them as a narcotic or very addictive. But I can definitely see how these could be valuable on the street and I'm surprised that they give them out like candy... but then again, I'm actually not really all that surprised since they still consider marijuana a dangerous drug, yet it's just hunky dory to drink ourselves into oblivion instead! Sorry but I'm a little grouchy since this pain is still unbearable and now I have a bottle of pills that aren't helping, just so I won't become addicted to vicodin. Do they really care if I become addicted? That's a bunch of crap for sure.

Now on a more happy an upbeat tone. I've been happily listening to the new Smashing Pumpkins album, "Oceania" and I have been so pleasantly surprised by this wonderful work of art. After listening to their "Zeitgeist" album, I was so disappointed and was almost ready to write off Billy Corgan as perhaps another washed up musician and was gonna wait to see him showing up as a lounge act and also releasing even more greatest hits albums with new artwork and the same songs, just in a different order. But Oceania is such a wonderful gem of an album and I've been listening to it on Spotify non-stop...at least when I'm near the computer. Unfortunately I don't have $15 to purchase an album, but I will be checking with the library to get a copy of it. Although I would never dream of ripping the CD onto my computer! But would have it for 3 weeks to listen too all I want. :)

In the meantime, besides just trying to heal and recover from the surgery and dealing with the pain, I've been applying for jobs...probably a few dozen more since my last post talking about this. I'm going for another long walk around downtown and will take more side streets, stopping in to businesses asking if they are hiring. Something has to happen and maybe, just maybe some business will just happen to be looking for someone to sweep their floors or so some kind of crap that most people might not enjoy doing and I will just happen to walk in at the right moment and before they post the job opening. Maybe they will see my happy face and willingness to do just about any job and eagerness to learn anything new as well and I will get a job using this technique. I'm really trying to stay positive about all this and also trying my best to avoid resorting to just selling myself as a sex slave or a number of other shady and/or illegal activities just out of desperation. OK, I am kidding about the sex slave thing. It's not my thing, but I can see how some women do this. It's a rough and cruel world and I'm finding that getting a job does not always have to do with having the right skill set, experience and attitude,  but does instead seem to be more to do with "who you know". Since I've recently moved to Michigan and don't get out socializing much, I don't know anyone, so that I think is the main reason why this is so much of a damn struggle. Not to mention that Detroit is one of the worst job markets in the country too.

Hey if anyone reading this knows of any job opportunities, please let me know and consider at least talking to me about it. I am welcoming the chance for an interview and also open to all possibilities too!

I leave you with the song "Violet Rays" off the Smashing Pumpkins new album, Oceania. :)

Healing, lungs, doctors, pain meds, habits and fourth chakra

 So now it's been 13 days out of the hospital and I ran out of the pain pills yesterday. Yesterday I also had the follow up appointment with my surgeon and was hoping to get more since hydrocodone is the only lower powered pharmaceutical that really helps with the pain. Even taking 2 or 3 of the 400 mg Motrins does nothing for the pain I'm having. So the doctor did a really quick checkup which only involved checking my blood pressure and listening to my lungs. He then removed the bandages and the stitches and told me I need a primary care physician. I asked him for another prescription for the Vicodin and also told him that it was the only thing that helped. He then told me to take Advil. I told him how Motrin didn't work at all and how much pain I was still in, as well as asking him how long he would expect this pain to last. He told me another 6-8 weeks. So I asked again about getting a refill on the Vicodin, then after a slight hesitation, he told me that his DEA license was not active right now and he was expecting it to be renewed soon and that there was nothing he could do, unless we both wanted to get into trouble with the DEA. So I went home and pondered what to do as the pain kept progressing until I couldn't take it anymore and decided to just go to the ER tonight and see about getting a refill there. While there, they took some more X-rays, just to make sure nothing was out of whack again and since it was July 4th, they were quite busy. This whole ordeal took a good 4 hours, but I got 15 Vicodins for this effort, which I am so thankful for. Now I should be able to sleep well tonight and just deal with all of life's other obstacles a little better. The heat here in Michigan, as with most of the country is unbearable still too. The heat index today was up to 108 degrees... and we still don't have a/c. The combo of the continuous sweating on every inch of my body, starting from the time I got up this morning and the intense lung and chest pain didn't put me in the best of moods, let alone in a productive or even festive mindset. As I sit here now writing this, there are still fireworks going off all around and now that it's officially July 5th, as of 15 minutes ago, I finally feel like I can enjoy it. The drive home from the hospital tonight was actually rewarding too, since I got to see lots of fireworks in all directions the whole way. So I'm thankful for that too.

Anyway, reagarding the Vicodin...I realize that there are a lot of people who abuse narcotics such as Vicodin. One prominent example is House M.D., who probably helped make it famous, but this pain is certainly very real for me and I would gladly trade no pain for the need to take these stupid pills. I can't even sneeze or cough without really intense sharp pain in the lungs, and when just doing normal activities, it still hurts and throbs. But I will try to just deal with it. I realize that many people in this world have far worse pains and horrible things to be dealing with.

I also realize that all things happen for a reason and maybe one of the reasons for my recent lung problems could be greatly due to an imbalance in my Fourth Chakra, the Heart Chakra. This imbalance can be the root of emotional instability and also the repression of emotions. I do know that I've suffered from these last two things, so by basically being forced to address the vayu/air element which manifests with giving and receiving in the form of touch, this may be what I needed more than anything. It's a rather painful lesson, but a very important one. Of course, I'm sure that in a purely physical sense, this imbalance has been brought on simply by the act of smoking, which I have finally quit for good. What would drive someone who is very health conscious for the most part at least, to do something so stupid and damaging as smoking? Maybe this is where the more spiritual aspect that I'm talking about comes into play. This is all very deep and I have enough inquisitiveness and curiosity to drive myself to further study the cause and effect of how all this is related and how it all manifests. I do know that most of my life I have tended to sort of breathe in a shallow manor, rather than deeply in and deeply out. I can see how this can be related to giving and receiving in life and even has to do with the shyness that I've often labeled myself with. I know that I'm probably just scratching the surface, but I do see just a glimmer of light as I pull back the curtain just a little.

I do wish that I could just practice a completely holistic lifestyle, to the point of not needing these pain pills, but I'm not there yet for sure cause I've been utterly miserable without them. This pain shouldn't last forever, so I'm willing to take them while I can still get them... legally at least. I have been walking every night since getting out of the hospital. It's starting to become a habit and a very good habit too. Perhaps my walking is one of the good habits that I've used to replace smoking. Walking has also become the high point of my day and I do it no matter how tired I am because I enjoy it so much and because I've now had enough life experience to know that if I miss just one night for whatever reason which may seem completely legit, that the habit will be broken and it will be all that much easier to totally stop. I don't want to sabotage myself like that, so after I finish writing this blog post tonight, it will be very, very late, but I will be walking for sure...then, falling into bed.

My experiences with the latest Pneumothorax, VATS and the healing process directly after surgery

Here's the update since having the surgery on Monday. They pulled the chest tube out today and what a relief this was! I don't know how much longer I would have been able to stand having this tube protruding from my side and being tethered to the Pleur-evac chest drainage system device. Not to mention the amount of constant pain that having this tube in has caused, at the incision site, deep in my chest and in my middle to upper back also. Every breath was painful. Just the act of repositioning my body a half inch on the bed was painful and basically everything else I did while it was in was equally as painful. So yes, I'm so happy it is finally out and not to mention that it actually stayed in during this whole process so that it could actually do it's job properly! Btw, at least I know I'm not just being a whiny-wimp by my reaction to the pain that I've experienced lately, cause my nurse did tell me that her chest tube patients seemed to have suffered the most pain of any of her patients, including those undergoing major surgeries.

Since this was my first real surgery I was feeling extra anxious about it, but as I got the first glimpse of my prep nurse as they were wheeling me into the surgery prep room, I started to feel some relief from the anxiety with the sight of her genuine, warm and caring smile. I felt that it was a blessing to have her as my prep nurse and that she definitely met her calling with this particular career path because she was as sweet and helpful as could be. So pretty much immediately they started giving me pain meds and anti-anxiety meds as well and her nurturing voice helped guide me through this process. Then they injected the general anesthesia, but I wasn't really aware exactly when they did this. All I remember is my prep nurse's smiling face, along with some other staff walking around, then waking up in a complete state of shock and  shivering probably worse than I ever have. Not sure, but it almost felt like a form of convulsions cause I do remember, not only a severe shaking, but flailing around on the operation bed and feeling extremely cold and confused, then my God....there was the PAIN. As I was just waking up and having these experiences, it seemed that everyone around me were also freaking out, and I kept asking if the surgery went OK and if I was OK, I was assured that everything was fine as they put warm blankets over me. I asked for more pain meds but they said they had already given me a tremendous cocktail of meds and they couldn't give more right then yet. So I sat there slowly waking up and warming up and finally quit shivering, but the pain was so intense in basically my entire upper body that I could not move or even budge at all. During the Video Assisted Thoracic Surgery, otherwise just called VATS, they didn't find any blebs or anything else suspicious, but they did perform a Pleurodesis, which is mechanically irritating the parietal pleura. In other words, they rough up the linings of my lungs and the lung cavity with a gauze, to make it bleed, which helps the lung stick to the cavity walls as it heals and scabs up.  By now it was late at night and obviously I was their last surgery for the day. Eventually they moved me back to my room, but I didn't have the nice "luxury" room where I had been in the ICU, but a regular private room on what they simply to referred to as "The Floor". 

Pleur-Evac lung fluid evacuation system and my chest tube

That was 3 days ago and like I said, they removed the chest tube today. Basically since they put it in during the surgery, I have not really been able to sleep. This was due to a combination of a lot of pain and the inconvenience of having the tube coming out of my side, plus the fact that just laying down or even inclining a certain amount was entirely too painful. So any sleep had to be done totally sitting up, which is even more difficult for me since I'm a stomach sleeper. LOL these conditions aren't at all conducive to really getting any decent sleep. So after they removed the tube early this afternoon, the first thing I did was just stretch out on the bed, laying down on my stomach and  going to sleep within seconds. I was able to sleep the entire afternoon without being bothered until the room service called to see if I wanted to order dinner. I hesitated since at that particular moment, food was the last thing I was concerned about, but I knew that once 6:30pm came, the room service would be closed and I wouldn't be able to eat anything until after 6:30 the next morning. Since I had been sleeping very well for the first time since before the surgery and was just jostled from a really interesting dream, I couldn't think very well, so I just asked them what they recommend. They told me today's special was butter/garlic angel hair pasta with chicken and green beans, coleslaw and melon/cantaloupe on the side. I said fine, just leave off the chicken since I'm vegetarian...then immediately went back to sleep, on my stomach.

As humans, we often take little things for granted like our health, being able to breathe well and without pain, being able to just freely get out of bed and walk around and sleeping in the position that we find most comfortable. These are things that I used to take for granted and even though I can't promise how I will feel and think in the future, I do know that now, I don't take these things for granted. I also appreciate life, health, tasty healthy food, good nurses and doctors and friends and loved ones so much more too.

Reference: 
Spontaneous Pneumothorax,
Pleurodesis,
Video Assisted Thoracic Surgery (VATS),
Pleur-Evac
Chest Tube,

flowers my friend picked from his yard

my little setup with everything at arms-reach

the food was exceptional & all produce was local and organic

closeup of my salad with computer in background

Life, Death and Violets

What is it that makes us just totally lose our interest in fighting for things we believe in? I've been going through this change lately, which is a complete contrast from before. Before what? Just before I started feeling this way, which has been coming on slowly for weeks. For instance I was almost obsessed with staying up with all the latest news and also my piddly attempts at "activism" like posting this really important stuff on Facebook with every other breath I take. I know that somewhere deep down, I still feel these strong convictions about the affairs of our civilization and our corrupt political system and I'm sure I will be making some more posts along these lines, but it's time to take a break from it all, from the news, from it all. Am I merely burying my head in the sand? Yes, most likely, but it's also necessary for my personal survival. I have a tendency to really let stuff get to me and it takes a toll on my health. This might be one of the reasons I ended up in the hospital with a collapsed lung last month. Sure there are probably other environmental factors, but I think that I do have a tendency to internalize too many matters and this leads to sickness and imbalance.

I've been trying to just let myself enjoy the healing energy of nature, especially with all the wonderful and aromatic flowers that are blooming right now. This is therapeutic for me, but it is not helping to change the world for the better or helping get Ron Paul elected as our president. But if I stayed on the same path I was on, I may not be of much help anyway. It's kind of hard to do things like that when you're dead.

Death is something I've been around a little too much lately. I've had two people who I was very close to die recently and besides adding to my depression, this has also made me realize more than ever, how fragile life is, and that no matter what we do or don't do, that we will someday die...whether we like it or not. That morning I woke up with a tight chest, feeling lightheaded and hardly being able to breathe from the collapsed lung (pneumothorax) has helped me realize this even more.

So maybe it's not such a bad thing to actually make the most of life, to take care of our bodies and to appreciate the good things that life has to offer, such as the peacefulness, pureness and beauty of nature and to appreciate and love the people in our lives who are special to us.

I shot this picture today while doing just that. The sun was lighting up these violets just perfectly this afternoon. Btw, they smelled wonderful! Wish I could capture the aroma too. :)