Jun 12, 2012

Depression, Anger and the desire to Give Up... yet keep trying.

I've been massively depressed lately, although there are times when I probably don't seem all that depressed from my outward appearance to other people. This is because I've always been the type of person that has gone out of my way to seem happy, even if I wasn't. This personality disorder or difference or whatever you want to call it has been a blessing and a curse.

Lately, with these 2 stupid collapsed lungs, I've been more aware than ever that I and all humans are mortal. No matter how healthy we think we are, we are all susceptible to horrible health events and even death. The fact is, every one of you reading this blog right now will someday be dead, whether you like it or not. Life offers no guarantees or insurance. We are born into this twisted and demented planet, we live a relatively short life, then we die. I don't even believe that any human being has ever been able to really know what happens to us when we die. Some say we go to heaven or hell. Others say we reincarnate as another human, animal, plant, mineral or rock. And some people believe we just vanish like a vapor into the ether and that is all that is the end of our consciousness. I personally don't believe any of this. How can I? It's all speculation, therefore I believe that we don't know what happens to us, which is probably more accurate and scientific than any number of the array of religious beliefs and dogma.

So, here I am, just another person on this planet trying to figure it all out and get on with my life. I'm 41, have been a vegetarian for 15 years. I drink a lot of water everyday, which is usually about 10 to 15 glasses a day. I am very much the optimist-glass half full kind of person. I have no ill thoughts towards anyone, even those who may consider themselves to be my enemy, but here I am with 2 spontaneous pneumothraxes in the last 7 weeks and now my lungs ache and throb every minute of every day. I try to just walk for exercise and have to turn around and come back home due to my chest feeling tight and feeling anxious that I may just collapse right there on the sidewalk, unable to do one of the most basic human functions, which is just merely breathing. Yeah these recent realizations have definitely made me more cynical than I ever have been and have led me to feeling quite depressed too. Other things leading to my depression is the freaking lack of response from employers that I apply to. I don't know what it is. Am I coming across the wrong way to them? Is my resume all wrong? Do they not believe me when I say that I want to work for them? Is my 4 years of not really being officially employed scaring all of them? Is there any hope at all? I feel scared, helpless, anxious and am starting to feel quite angry. Angry at the world, at this economy. At the person who laid me off in 2008 during the housing bubble collapse? Angry that out of 5000 Facebook "friends" lately when posting things, maybe 2 of them will even reply or like or anything. Angry that people like Rand Paul have seemed to sell out by endorsing Romney, who is basically a white Obama, in my stupid fucking opinion. Angry at all the people who are lashing out at Rand Paul for doing this. Angry at myself, my thoughts, my carelessness, my innate trusting of most everyone. My lack of being too forward with looking for a job.

Maybe I just need to pretend like I'm just some asshole type of sales person and be really pushy with the employers I'm seeking employment at. Maybe I need to stop putting on this front that despite everything bad that is happening, that I'm really very happy. Maybe I need to frown more, instead of smiling most of the time. Maybe I need to just succumb to this lung problem and let myself move on to the "afterlife", whether this means reincarnation, or just turning into food for the grass and plants. I really don't know what to do anymore, but all this is really, really, REALLY getting me down.

Yet, my nature is to keep fighting and not just give up. Yet, this is all wearing me down really fast. I've never been so cynical in my life. For those of you who do think of me as your enemy and have "wished" for me to die, well I hope you believe in karma, because I have never wished that on you... and maybe your wish will come true, but then you just may have it come back to bite you.

I'm not God and I'm not perfect, but neither are any of you. I guess my main wish is that everyone would just at least make some effort not to be so judgmental... including myself.


chuck @ 4Christ.org said...

wow. so luv/appreciate ur honesty and realness. most people believe in God because of faith. i am one of those who had no choice because He revealed himself to me multiple times in an incredibly supernatural fashion including once right in front of another person. i don't believe - i honestly know. i didn't plan to talk about God here but Jesus the Christ is the one thing that i have true knowledge of and so i felt moved to share just a bit. i can't promise what a relationship w/Him will do for u; i can only say with certainty that it was the greatest thing that ever happened in my own life. i will pray for u and if u ever desire more info or just to talk, feel free to contact me anytime. the best email (catch all account) to reach me at is CharlesTBriggs@gmail.com or phone me on my cellular at 786-525-5637. i don't promise u anything beyond that i sincerely care, i will closely listen and that i will honestly share my own personal history (and answer any questions as best i am able). please don't consider the quick way out. my dad did that when i was 7 years old. i truly feel sad for him but there was nothing i could do. u are clearly far too special and extraordinary to consider that. much luv, chuck briggs, 4Christ Child Missions (4Christ.org) <3

Cassie said...

I'm still thinking good thoughts for you.

And I always think of you when I listen to my favorite radio program : )

Robert Pickering said...

Hope you get through this. Believe me, I've felt the same way on numerous occasions. Depression mixed with physical pain (I've got respiratory issues myself) makes everything that much worse. If it's any consolation, I did manage to get through it myself - mostly by immersing myself in my hobbies and realizing that whatever I make now will be my legacy when I'm gone. Your photos are brilliant, and that will be part of your legacy - stick with it. You also seem to have a lot to say - politically and otherwise - so why not write a book? Amazon.com has a Kindle Self Publishing app. You can write a book and sell it through Amazon and make a little money on the side. It may not be a regular job, but I imagine any extra cash would help. You have a good size audience through your web pages and Flickr, leverage that. Wish I could say or do more, but know that there are people out here who do care. Do people really wish for you to die? Wow, that's pretty harsh, and why? I wouldn't bother with them, though, I probably have pissed off enough people in my own life that some of them probably feel the same way about me.