Undeveloped Time

Time races by

Ticking

Going on and on

Mimicking

What went on and on…

Forever was yesterday

And yesterday is tomorrow

Joy secretly reflects sorrow

What the future holds

Time already knows

It has tomorrow by the throat

Where it wishes

Is where it goes

The future cries out

But today doesn’t hear

Deep in the night

The future shouts

Yet no one is here

Pictures of the past

Are all too well preserved

Pictures of the future

Are all too well reserved

Our pictures are undeveloped

Hiding in the back of our minds

And still, time goes by

And makes them even harder to find.

Stacy Young 2012 

Fear is a means to an end

Monumental fear of the draconian resurgence,

as the tempest beast spreads it's evil wings,

taking heed of the Sage-like bewilderment of the joyous discrepancies,

and all for the betterment?

The pompous anemic triviality of the obsessed,

is no further though from the weak mind,

of the clinically depressed.

But not to suggest,

a momentary pain but a monumental gain,

and it goes deeper than the fruit,

and deeper than the root.

The endless cycle,

and the circling of time.

This has been a common phenomena for billions of years squared,

and yet has only just begun,

for no matter how hard we try to comprehend,

everything is merely a means to an end.


Stacy Young 2012 

Self sabotaging with junk food and stupid excuses

Just as I'm starting to type out this new blog post while ignoring my rhythmically tapping foot, I also feel like going back into the kitchen to see if there's something quick, tasteful and unhealthy that I can stuff in my face. You know, the kind of food that the main ingredients are HFCS, sugar, hydrogenated oil and food coloring, followed by a paragraph of unpronounceable words.. The kind of food that makes you feel sick, sluggish and bloated before you even eat it.

So why do I self-sabotage like this? Another example is just a few minutes ago while I was trying to learn JavaScript, I kept popping fig newtons every time I got to something I didn't understand, which since I'm just starting out learning JavaScript means that this is happening every few seconds. Give me a big bag of chocolate and I will have it demolished before you finish reading this post.

I guess this is mostly emotional eating but I'm not really sure why I do that to myself. Tomorrow when I get on the scale, I will officially be heavier than I was today. I will then say to myself...
 "Hey Fat Ass! wake up from your stupid self-sabotaging trance and be good today. This means just stay away from food completely, or at least as long as it's not inconveniencing anyone else. This should get you through the better part of the day without consuming any calories, then if you eat something later (with restraint), it won't be so bad and the overall calories for the day will be very little. Then self... you need to get outside and exercise. I realize you have too many things that you would rather be doing or that needs to be done, so don't worry about it until tonight sometime. But you better at least walk some tonight!"

However, the same cycle keeps happening. I eventually give in and have that one bite of food, maybe just a stupid little nutritionally void cookie...then one more. OK, to hell with it, I'm tired of wasting time. I'll just grab 4 or 5 cookies and take them back to my computer. When I finish those cookies, I will stop eating until my body is definitely hungry. The munchies aren't supposed to count as a true hunger and should be ignored altogether. Let's see....<input type="button"..... now where did my 4 cookies go!! Oh, I just ate all of them without breathing and I got one line of code written, which actually works!  Yeah!!! Now I need a reward so I'll go to the kitchen and have just 2 more cookies cause that is a very decent compromise.

Now it's late at night and I'm all wrapped up in working on my site and learning new things. It's really not a good time to exercise. So I will just eat a few chips and maybe just a little spoon of peanut butter, cause I think my body needs protein and peanut butter certainly has a lot of that. Besides, it's OK cause I'm gonna basically starve myself all day tomorrow AND go for a walk too. Oh look, I forgot I had leftover pasta from dinner. It's good cold too. Tomorrow I will be good.

So maybe tomorrow I will stop making excuses? Well I can already think of at least 6 things right of the top of my head that will qualify for a perfectly good excuse....

It's all in your mind

It's a beautiful day,
why are you so down?
and why must you frown?
Have you been outside to play?

your mind has you bound,
it's all in your head,
when all you say,
is that you are so depressed.

it doesn't have to be this way,
you could make the most of this day,
or you could just go deeper into the shadows,
lurking somewhere in the fray.

what do you think you will find?
do you think it will be different this time?
you don't have to grieve today,
cause you're allowed to be happy,
and your life can change with a shift of perspective.

get out of the shadows,
and into the light,
the day will be over soon,
it's up to you,
life doesn't have to bite.

So why not embrace this day,
and take it for a stroll,
pretend you're a clown,
if that's what it takes, I say
the happier you will be found.

It's always been there,
right before your eyes,
life is not always fair,
and you don't always win the prize.

if you can't keep it real,
just pretend to smile,
it's like a drug,
all in your mind,
believe me, life is worthwhile,
and it can even be kind.

Life, Death and Violets

What is it that makes us just totally lose our interest in fighting for things we believe in? I've been going through this change lately, which is a complete contrast from before. Before what? Just before I started feeling this way, which has been coming on slowly for weeks. For instance I was almost obsessed with staying up with all the latest news and also my piddly attempts at "activism" like posting this really important stuff on Facebook with every other breath I take. I know that somewhere deep down, I still feel these strong convictions about the affairs of our civilization and our corrupt political system and I'm sure I will be making some more posts along these lines, but it's time to take a break from it all, from the news, from it all. Am I merely burying my head in the sand? Yes, most likely, but it's also necessary for my personal survival. I have a tendency to really let stuff get to me and it takes a toll on my health. This might be one of the reasons I ended up in the hospital with a collapsed lung last month. Sure there are probably other environmental factors, but I think that I do have a tendency to internalize too many matters and this leads to sickness and imbalance.

I've been trying to just let myself enjoy the healing energy of nature, especially with all the wonderful and aromatic flowers that are blooming right now. This is therapeutic for me, but it is not helping to change the world for the better or helping get Ron Paul elected as our president. But if I stayed on the same path I was on, I may not be of much help anyway. It's kind of hard to do things like that when you're dead.

Death is something I've been around a little too much lately. I've had two people who I was very close to die recently and besides adding to my depression, this has also made me realize more than ever, how fragile life is, and that no matter what we do or don't do, that we will someday die...whether we like it or not. That morning I woke up with a tight chest, feeling lightheaded and hardly being able to breathe from the collapsed lung (pneumothorax) has helped me realize this even more.

So maybe it's not such a bad thing to actually make the most of life, to take care of our bodies and to appreciate the good things that life has to offer, such as the peacefulness, pureness and beauty of nature and to appreciate and love the people in our lives who are special to us.

I shot this picture today while doing just that. The sun was lighting up these violets just perfectly this afternoon. Btw, they smelled wonderful! Wish I could capture the aroma too. :)
    

Writing HTML and Raspberry M&M's

Today I started learning HTML and I'm also working on a new page on my site that I'm using to practice and learn. As simple as the page is so far, I'm really thrilled to have written my first code and was able to see it work. When I uploaded the page that I made in notepad to my site, went to the page and it loaded just as it was intended to, I did a Hell Yeah! It's little thrills like this that make life interesting. :)

You can see it here. My HTML Sandbox
There's nothing spectacular about this page and the only purpose that it serves is just something I'm using to learn HTML. However, the next time I want to create a new page or site with a purpose, I can now do it all from scratch. Not to mention just making changes on existing pages won't be so intimidating either. Yeah I'm just a geek who really enjoys this sort of stuff. Anyway if anyone looks at this page, there is no telling what condition it will be in at that time or what will even be displayed, since I will be doing a lot of experimentation with it. Here's the main site home page. StacyYoungPhotos.com

I broke my 2 day fast last night when my legs starting cramping really bad and I noticed that my ankles were swollen. So I ate 2 bananas and some pretzels. The muscles in my shins and feet were cramping so bad and were so tight feeling that it felt like they were gonna break off. The only thing I know to do when this happens is to stand in a bathtub of hot water and try to relax. It was also a difficult night trying to sleep cause they kept cramping during the night. I would jump out of bed in agony and walk around, trying to loosen them up and twice I had to get in the bathtub. I believe they were doing this from all the walking I did yesterday when I walked downtown and walked around downtown, wearing flat shoes with no support in them too. In addition I think a bit of dehydration was a factor since I usually drink at least 10 glasses of water a day, but since I was walking around in the sun for 3 hours, this depleted my body's water supply.

I further broke the fast this morning when I decided to eat a veggie dog, just plain and by itself, only 45 calories and a lot of protein...then another one since they were only 45 calories, then another.... then I discovered raspberry M&M's. Oh well, this is what being human is all about. It's a constant struggle between our mind and our inner child.

If any web design/programming geeks are reading this post, feel free to critique my first code. I welcome any advice or suggestions.

---

Here's the link to the code. (not always updated so you might as well right click, view source)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1irAe-PMBveqYSMnaZ-82AjgQ4vGVFGhW7OcsV3HF4rY/edit

Job hunting on foot while fasting

Apollo waiting for me to come home.

Well I managed to go downtown on foot and visit every business asking if they had job openings or leads. Nothing immediately turned up but I have a lot more leads now and overall, this was a terrific experience for me. I started out at Che Cosa Coffee & Cafe, with a cup of black coffee and a couple leads from the person working there, then I sat down and reviewed a downtown directory while planning which direction I wanted to traverse. I decided to visit the Art Center first to see if they needed instructors for their Summer Art Camp this year, since I taught art classes 15 years ago at an Art Center back in Florida and enjoyed doing that a lot. The person in charge wasn't available so I left my resume and told them what I was interested in, then perused the galleries before I was off to the next place. Then I found a nice little store called Gemini Moon where I talked to the owner for about 10 minutes about all kinds of things, including some more job leads. I bought a pack of Nag Champa which fit in my purse, so I didn't have to carry any bags. This made my purse smell really nice, and the area around me too, everywhere I went. So I then went to a few dozen more businesses and the whole 3 hours I spent doing this was a very positive experience for me and has helped me get out of my shell a lot more. It's not so bad just going into a place and asking. Most of the people today seemed to be happy to have someone to talk to and also help as much as they could. A few of these ended up in a 10 or 15 minute conversation, which helped me start to get over my innate shyness.

I feel so vulnerable opening up like this and pouring my thoughts out on this blog, but for some reason, I just feel like I need to do it. I hope that this is at least mildly entertaining, maybe somewhat interesting. Well it's fun to do, even though I'm sure that I slaughter the English language pretty good.  But whatever it is, it is just me trying to make sense of this world. 

I'm sorta doing a fast right now, which is for many reasons. One is to give me more energy and raise my vibration, the other is just to lose the weight that I've been trying to lose for the last 2 years, it's not a lot, just maybe 10 lbs, but I always hit a plateau at a certain weight and have been struggling to just get past that and establish a new baseline to work with. Yeah I know this sounds like it's my body's natural way of regulating my weight to be ideal for what it needs, but I haven't accepted that theory yet. Yesterday I had a little bit of red bell pepper/garlic hummus that I made the day before, but only about 100 cals worth all day. Today so far, I've eaten nothing, and I definitely feel more clear headed and have a lot more energy. The walk, fresh air and sunshine today also helped with that.

So tonight I will be applying for any new jobs that I find online, and also sending some follow up letters to places I've applied to a few weeks ago. Most of these jobs are the kinds that I should be totally qualified for such as various administrative jobs. I've worked as a Payroll Administrator for about 8 years and could do any kind of Payroll job with my hands tied behind my back, so at this point, have applied for probably at least 20 Payroll jobs, plus a number of Human Resources, Accounting Clerk, Accounts Receivables, Accounts Payable, secretarial, mail room jobs and general office jobs too. I've also applied for a bunch of online customer service and call center jobs. Today was not as bad as I thought it would be, so tomorrow I may visit some more places close by and continue networking in person. I did find out about a job fair next week, so if I don't find something before then, it's another resource that I can't afford to miss. My purse still smells like Nag Champa too. :)

Downtown Mt. Clemens with the Art Center on the right

Macomb County Administration Building

Gargoyles!

On my walk back home I rested at the river for a few minutes.

Agoraphobia should be overcome!

 So here I am sitting here all dressed up and ready to walk downtown to look for a job. My plan is to visit every place that looks like they could possibly use help and the places that look like the kind of place I would like to work. After the 2 week frenzy of applying for jobs online, before I go insane, I should try a different tactic, since that one hasn't seemed to be too effective so far. There is only one problem. My social phobia has fully kicked in now that I'm ready to go and look like a thousand dollars. It is very intimidating to me to have to just walk into offices, stores and restaurants that I've never been in or have even seen, except briefly out of the car window. Then once I get down there on foot, I have to look like I know where I'm going, otherwise I will just resign myself to finding a quiet bench, sort of out of the way where I can sit and pretend like I have very important matters on my iPod. I could just find a coffee shop and while patronizing the store, casually ask them if they have any job openings. Or maybe I could pretend like I'm one of those ultra-confident and out going individuals and pretend like I own the place. Instead of asking them in a little shy voice, while being careful not to have prolonged eye contact or not enough eye contact and eagerly looking for the first opportunity that I can get out of there to retreat, I could just tell them I'm looking for employment and have the attitude that if I want to work there, there is no reason they should not hire me. But for someone like me who is very reserved and I guess you can say quite shy, with a severe case of Agoraphobia mixed in, just to make it really interesting, this is not an easy task. 

I just wish I would feel more self-confident and just get out there in the real world and just not care what other people think and not try to be so overly-polite all the time...maybe just 50% more assertive, and 50% more confident would be a good measure. Maybe I should just not use this blog as an excuse not to get out in the world and make things happen, or perhaps I should just save my thought until the end of the day after I've gone out in the real world, then I might have more to write about... but then that may not be the most effective way to handle this. 

I think I need to just stop over-thinking everything, even whether I should be using so many hyphens adjoining two words. Just be me. :)

And there's always tomorrow! 

 Now that I missed my opportunity to go out into the real world today, I can now put my jeans and hoodie back on...and just be comfy again. Maybe do a little gardening before the sun goes down. :)

iTunes, Jobs and The Beatles

Why do we feel compelled to share every detail of our lives online, usually with people we don't really know in real life, although that brings up another interesting phenomenon that I'll get to later. I found 4 Beatles stations on iTunes radio this morning! I just had to share it...but with my first instinct to jump onto Facebook and make this my new status comment, I had this thought about how ridiculous it seems to do this. I mean, who even cares that I found 4 new Beatles stations on iTunes. So instead I decided to just make it part of a blog post...my first blog post here. :)

I have another blog at PlowedClouds.com, but it's mostly political and activist oriented and I haven't felt like writing too many personal things on it, but this blog is all about my own, personal observations about life, culture, music and just things that I think are cool or interesting.

I've been so frustrated with job searching! Some of these nearly entry level jobs that I've been applying to, have over 400 other applicants! So, WTF.... it's really getting to be quite discouraging. After all, I put a lot of my time and energy into applying for each and every job. I research the company online, which I've become quite good at lately. I attach my wonderful and beautiful resume, which I designed to not look like the typical corporate, cookie-cutter boring resumes, yet still within the confines of conservative and traditional... I think. I craft an original cover letter, carefully addressed to the right person or department, if I can find that information during my research, and then I often have to endure filling out a lengthy and entirely too detailed online application, cracking the captcha security words even. Then I carefully notate, bookmark and track this job in my notebook dedicated to tracking the jobs I applied to. I do all this work and usually don't even get a simple reply. This messes with my self-confidence in a huge way, which is one of those things I've been trying to work on more lately. I haven't given up yet. I'm still joining all the job sites I can find, with the hopes of raising my exposure to increase my chances, and still applying for jobs that I seem qualified for.

I've also been looking into jobs that I can do online. I tried to become an online psychic but didn't pass their live test interview. I say it was due to all the technical difficulties with getting my mic to work, and fumbling around with that for a half hour. This wasn't conducive to letting myself tap into source. I've applied to other more conventional online jobs and so far, not much success with this either.

So now I'd like to hear your own stories and experiences about job searching, maybe creative tactics, advice and other things that you may be doing that are either helping or not. I'd love to hear them!